Fighting for Love

They say "when you get older you get wiser".

I have found this to be true in my life.

As a die hard romantic anything romance and love gets me all gooey eyed and fuzzy inside.  But with that has come some reality checks as I live out what it means to be romantic and "in love". 

I have been together with my husband for 27 years, married 24.

There have being lessons about love and loving I have learn't from this union.

I have learn't some hard, painful and beautiful truths but I would say that the most impact it has made is personal growth that has served me well.

The biggest ah-ha I have had is this, love grows, gets real and unshakable, but you have to fight for it to survive. 

I feel like after 27 years, I have learn't a few nuggets and insights to share, so here they are:

What does fighting for love look like.

1. Accept flaws as a given and change may be difficult/impossible

You have had it said that "love is blind".  I don't think it is, I think love just chooses to see the good and live with the not so good but acceptable.

I know that when people first fall in love they can get all flustered and endorphins mess your head up, butterflies in your belly, this can be the trance situation for a long while.

Most times, no sooner do you get married and you realise sleeping beauty is no longer wanting to sleep and sometimes you wish she did and prince charming has a very un-charming and smelly side. 

This happens because no one keeps falling in love, at some point you have to stand or sit in love. Falling is a temporary state.

After the initial shock, you will need to resist the temptation to fix everything.  You will need acceptance, stop wishful thinking and planning an escape route. 

A hard decision has to be made, build or destroy. 

Fighting for love requires you to build, how you build and what you build can be found in the next  few points in this blog.

2. Together is Best

Find your independence but within it find togetherness. 

For someone who is fiercely independent, introverted and "away with the fairies" (me), to be married to a very cautious, calculating and steady (my hubby) person, this one was was hard to achieve but we did. 

I remember in the first few years of marriage really crying in distress to God saying "why is he so different, I just want to punch him and be done with it". 

Well thank God for faith.  God helped me see that giving me someone exactly like me was going to limit me as a person and my potential to grow and have balance.  He helped me see that what I lacked, I could glean from my hubby and vice versa. 

I submitted to togetherness no matter what and somehow, have been able to bring our uniqueness to each challenge and decision to create beautiful balance. 

3. Compassion and giving 

Life is give and take.   If you choose to remain and enjoy your relationship, the hallmark of it must be giving on both sides.  I have always said that the sweetest relationships are the ones where parties involved compete and strive to out give each other.

The blessings never stop rolling in.

This is where I also say that, romance does not exist where there is no giving.  Whether it is in presents, showing appreciation or celebrating or giving satisfaction in the bedroom or offering help when needed, these are the components from which romance and love flourish.

So give and it shall be given unto you...........

4. Growing together

Having happy, long lasting and fulfilling relationships is one of the strongest arguments for personal development and growth.  You cannot have a great relationship without developing yourself and your potential, except if on both sides of the relationship you have no desire to grow. 

This you could say is a match made in complacency heaven (ha-ha). 

However, if after two people get in a relationship one starts to grow, the pressure is on for the other to grow too for there to be balance and sustainability. 

To fight for a relationship is to choose to grow and develop together.

5. Fight it out for a win-win

Last but not the least, if you must argue and get into a fight (not physical though), fight fair, fight for love to prevail, as Steve Covey says "seek to understand, not to be understood". 

I think a good shout out and raising your voices in anger should not be done often, but can sometimes be helpful for venting and letting things out.  Letting things out should eventually lead to letting things go. 

There should be no bitterness and there should be understanding that forgiveness is necessary in moments where people have said things in anger they truly never mean.

Ultimately though, to fight for love and a win-win, you need to learn to fight fierce and fair, not brutal and dirty. 

This kind of stance in a fight comes with doing the other afore listed things and really and truly living by the promise of "for better or worse". 

These rules can apply in other relationships not just marriage, the bottom line is, learn not to give up on love without a fight for it.

I have always defaulted back to these verse in the bible that says , "now there remains these three things Hope, Love and Faith, but the greatest of them is Love"

Wishing you happy Valentines day 

Much Love 

Patience x

www.patienceogunbona.com 

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